Doc Love: Get Her Back

By Doc Love, Success Coach
 
Doc Love: Get Her BackThis week's question comes from a reader who wants to know how to get back with an ex.

reader's question

Hey Doc,

I became your student a few months ago out of necessity and, like most guys, at the moment when it was too late to fix the current situation. I agree with everything “The System,” teaches us, verifying it with some of my personal experiences and with some of my friends who know how to deal with women.

The one thing I cannot comprehend, though, is that once her Interest Level goes down, it never recovers. I’m currently struggling with that notion concerning an ex-girlfriend, Carrie. When we met I was really into her, but I chose an indirect approach, so we started as friends. There were sparks flying from both sides when we hung out together. She was the best woman I’ve ever met, suiting me completely, physically and intellectually, and with many of the crucial character traits you mention in your book: Integrity, Flexibility and Giving.

taking it to the next level

One time we got drunk and made out. A week later, I asked her to go steady. She was reluctant and decided against it because she didn’t want to ruin our friendship. A week later she called and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her, but I told her that I couldn’t be just friends with her.

Anyway, one day Carrie called and said she wanted to be with me. That’s when we started a beautiful relationship, and during the first two months she fell completely in love with me. Her Interest Level was in the high 90s and she told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she started talking about our future. But then I became too available, and it inevitably led to a drop in her Interest Level. From out of the blue came the “We need to talk” call. Carrie said that although I was a great guy and she really had fun with me, she had started losing her interest and respect for me, so it was for the best that we break up.

the hole gets deeper

I didn’t take it easily. I continued to call and e-mail her. I literally begged my way back into a relationship with Carrie. She said she was willing to try one more time with me. At around that time I found out about “The System.” Some time passed, the relationship was OK, but not exactly like the first time. So, I broke up with her because I wasn’t happy with her Interest Level and I figured out that I shouldn’t try to keep her if she didn’t want to keep me in the first place.

Barely a month has passed, and although I know that I did the right thing, I still can’t get over Carrie. I hope she’ll come back to me on her knees because that’s the only way I could take her back. I heard she’s already in a new relationship, but I guess it’s just a rebound. Is it possible that her Interest Level for me will start rising if I become a Challenge to her again? Is it possible to become a Challenge when a girl at one point already saw you as a non-Challenge? This one is worth keeping, but I just don’t know if it’s possible after all that has happened. Coach me, Doc!

Wilmer - who’s carrying a torch

doc love's response

Hi Wilmer,

After you memorize “The System,” you’re going to discover that it’s going to cover all of your personal experiences, not just some of them. So you have a lot to look forward to, my friend.

Now let me explain to you how Interest Level works. Interest Level is like a rubber band. If you stretch a rubber band until it snaps, you can never use it again. A rubber band that’s still intact versus one that’s been broken is the difference between an Interest Level of 51% and an Interest Level of 49%. Once the band is snapped, it’s over.

Read on to find out Doc Love's solution to Wilmer's dilemma...

Winning Back An Ex

You shouldn’t have taken an indirect approach with Carrie. To you Psych majors: You can’t be friends with a woman and then switch tracks. I don’t know where that notion came into your head because it won’t work. And by the way, you don’t “hang out” with a girl. With “The System,” you date a girl. If she doesn’t want to date you, you move on. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Ain’t no point in wastin’ time.”

Carrie should have asked you to go steady, not the other way around. Because when she asks you, you know it’s the right time. When you ask, however, you don’t know if it’s the right time. But more importantly, she was reluctant because she had low Interest Level, not because she had the altruistic motive of ruining your friendship. If her Interest Level was 100%, she would have said, “Honey, forget friendship, I couldn't care less about that!”

don't shoot yourself in the foot

You told Carrie that you couldn’t be just friends with her? Oh, you’re just a poor little lamb who can’t take the pain. Wilmer, why are you baring your soul to a woman who has no feelings for you? Dumb, dumb, dumb. When Carrie called you and said she wanted to be with you, you should have told her to get back to you in two weeks because you want to think about it. Gosh, what a Challenge you are.

The “we need to talk” call means that Carrie’s Interest Level is down in the 40s. And she not only lost interest in you, she lost respect for you. Why? Because you’re just a teddy bear guy, too available and boringly predictable. Other than that you’re a really attractive catch.

And what did you do when Carrie gave you the brush? You begged on hands and knees. Did you feel masculine begging a girl for a relationship, Wilmer? Do you actually think it’s the manly thing to do? And do you really want a girl that you have to beg to be with you?

You know why it wasn’t like the first time? Because it’s never like the first time when you have to beg a woman for a second chance. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, when it’s the second time around, it’s already over.” But at least it finally sank in for you that she wanted nothing to do with you -- congratulations.

she's just not interested

Dude, why would this girl come back to you on her knees when her Interest Level is mired in the 30s? Women come crawling back when their Interest Level is 95%. Carrie has no interest in you, and you still don’t get it. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If she had high Interest Level, she wouldn’t have left in the first place.”
So, no, Carrie won’t come back to you now when you try to be a Challenge. Challenge only works when her Interest Level is 51% or higher.

Likewise you can’t become a Challenge again once you’re not a Challenge. She keeps track, and you can’t erase the fact that her interest has dipped below 50%. Like my cousin General Love says: “You’re not on her radar anymore, soldier.”

the point of no return

Wilmer, I have bad news for you: You can’t keep Carrie because you don’t have her to keep. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She’s in the arms of another guy making out with him half drunk.”

Remember, guys: Unless her Interest Level is 51% or higher, you’re wasting your time.

To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at DocLove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women: “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”